Here is the thing. I am almost 40. I will be 40 in November. Like, 40….the BIG 4-0…over the hill…it’s all downhill from here….free time is spent checking my retirement fund……40. In the tumult this has caused my psyche there has been certain coping strategies that have arisen to ease the pain of the BIG 4-0. One is slightly more blonde highlights. Two is a renewed devotion to “what the kids are listening to.” And three is fake eyelashes.
Now before you throw stones you Pharisee let me just say I am not going to justify myself to you. You can laugh at me and call me stupid and say fake lashes are dumb and for vain people. I will say: “Yes, you are right and SO WHAT? YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!” Until you have lived in my brain, and had to reckon with 40—SHUT UP! (Sorry, I did that for effect, we don’t actually say SHUT UP in this house.) In the end my lashes are perfect every single day and I spend no time primping them. However there is one area of care they require.
Fall allergies?! Yikes, you are the death of me. I am good all year until the leaves start to fall. Then I am sniffling, coughing, sneezing and my eyes itch like crazy. Now the problem is the lashes are great but the number one rule of lashes is “Don’t talk about the lashes!” OOPS! Just kidding thats the number one rule of FIGHT CLUB, not lashes. The number one rule of lashes is that you CANNOT TOUCH THEM AT ALL WITH YOUR HAND! To fluff them you use a bristle wand. If you rub them you are pulling them out and your real lashes. During the day, this is not a problem because I am nothing if not a rule follower! At night however, I have a problem.
I lay down in bed and all bets are off. I have literally gotten out of bed looked in the mirror and was horrified to see one eye with perfect lashes and one BALD EYE!!! How do you even recover from that? During an emergency lash reapplication visit to my Lash Lady we solved the problem. Here you have the Eye Bra……
25 COLORS TO CHOOSE FROM??? SOLD! Jesse dubbed this the Eye Bra because it looks like a mini bra. Many of you might think this is were the tale of the lashes ends. For sure this has saved my lashes from being ripped out in my sleep. It has also saved my “Grooming” budget because I don’t have to make emergency lash appointments. (Do I have a budget line for grooming? Yes! That is what having a budget allows you to do! You get to decide what to spend money on and stick to it so you don’t run out of money! Dave Ramsey approves this budget line item! Budgets don’t mean you don’t get to spend money on fun stuff!) But this Eye Bra caused a problem in another area of my life. You see I like to fall asleep watching a show on my iPad. Right now my show of choice is Poldark. (Good Lord! Does my choice in TV scream “I am 40!” or what??) Do you see the problem? I can’t see once I put the eye bra on. So, being the inventive chick that I am, I solved the problem. Meet the new and improved Eye Bra….
Oh yes I did. And you are welcome. Anyone who has seen this has died laughing except for Jesse. He is terrified and says he feels like he is sleeping next to a praying mantis. I cut tiny eye slits so I could see my iPad but small enough that I can’t get a finger in there to rub my eye. I say….NOW THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED. The comic relief it has supplied is just an added bonus. Please enjoy this video.
I am sure you are wondering how I am going to relate all this to the Lord. Well I have been thinking about that too. I have decided to do this one like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” style blog. Here are some ways we could take this in light of who the Lord is….
- Ecclesiastes 1: 2 Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity. 3 What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun? 4 A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. In this adventure we discover that my vanity knows no bound and needs to be checked in light of who the Lord is and what He cares about. I say to this: “Yes this is true, Yes I am aware that I care a lot about how I look.” I also say: “I know you are but what am I?” (and then I stick my tounge out at you.)
- 1 Corinthians 15: 40 There are also bodies in the heavens and bodies on the earth. The glory of the heavenly bodies is different from the glory of the earthly bodies. 41 The sun has one kind of glory, while the moon and stars each have another kind. And even the stars differ from each other in their glory. In this adventure we watch a woman soldier on despite a decaying body. Our bodies on earth were made to decay and die. But after that death we are raised to life with Christ and our glorified bodies, the ones we have in heaven will serve us for eternity. Never decaying, always lovely…..and mine will have AMAZING lashes. I am picturing like seraphim wings but in lash form. So in reality my lashes just serve as a reminder that life on earth is not the be all and end all, that this body and lashes are meant to decay. Eternity with Jesus is waiting for me!!!
- Proverbs 5: 18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. In this adventure we see a wife trying desperately to trick here husband into forgetting that she is almost 40. She gets fake lashes that work to hypnotize him into remembering her 20 something self. Every time she bats her perfect eye lashes he is put under a spell. The spell is broken when he wakes up and realizes he is sleeping next to some sort of super hero/praying mantis. But I digress.
I realize this is ridiculous. You don’t have to text me and say, “You are perfect exactly the way God made you.” I am putting this out there just so you can have a good laugh. You also don’t need to have a lash intervention with me. My BFF’s keep tabs on how long they get and are ready to pull the plug if I ever show up with something like this….(I am sorry for the cuss word. I did try to find a non-cuss version)